The Pain of Rejection

The pain of rejection is unavoidable.

We all must feel its merciless pangs. We all carry around a deep desire to be desired, to be wanted, to fit in. And yet, at too many points in our lives, this deep desire is not only ignored, but directly attacked.

Rejection seems to be a natural state of our lives. The opportunities for rejection abound in our world. And yet, we try to run away from rejection, like the hopeless hunter running away from the cheetah.

And we can't run away forever. Eventually rejection will catch up to us. One day or another, we will have to deal with the painful encounter between our desires to be "in" and the unforgiving reality of a rejecting world.

Where Do I Fit In?

I find myself caught in that strange, disorienting and painful intersection of rejection. I don't know how I ended up here again, after many years of trying to avoid this part of town.

I have worked on myself. I have put in the hours. I have tried to be faithful. I have tried to be useful. I have tried many desperate right turns in the hopes of avoiding this old neighborhood of rejection.

In the end, I ended up where I started. Saturated with the gnawing sensation that, maybe, I just don't fit it in anywhere.

We are not sure if you are the right fit...

How many times have you heard these words?

I heard these words a lot recently. I've heard them at my job , where I was recently transitioned out because I was not "the right fit" (no worries, I still have a job with a different organization).

I've heard it in ministry so many times, that I'm starting to believe that maybe God is not calling me to the ministry. 

One of the few times I've not heard this? When I was working in a gas station as a cashier for many years, where my most valuable gifts were mostly underutilized.

And maybe, we all go through this situation in our lives.

I feel upset at God. I feel that He's been leading me in the work that I'm doing, and yet it seems like He's leading in places where I don't seem to fit.

Or maybe I do fit conceptually, but because of poor character or some other mysterious force, I don't fit practically.

I feel lost in my discernment. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel called to something, and whenever I try to follow where I believe God is leading me, I end up in this old intersection of rejection. It feels like He is constantly leading me to a place of rejection.

Where do I fit in God?  I asked in prayer. It is hard to keep hope that maybe, there is a place for me; a place where my gifts are welcomed and cherished, a place where I'm welcomed, especially when I fall short. A place where I don't always have to bring my A game.

A place of community.

Where do I fit in God?... With me,  I hear Him say, you fit in My Kingdom.

And maybe that's all I need for now.

Have you ever felt this way, like a perpetual misfit? What do you do when you feel you've been rejected too many times? How do you deal with rejection? Please share in the comments below.

Getting Married! Will be Back in October!

I've been waiting for this moment for a long time.

As I am waiting for my delayed flight to Milwaukee, where my wedding will take place, I decided to update my blog and share some brief reflections on my upcoming marriage.

God willing, on September 12, I will be getting married with a wonderful woman! She is all I've ever dreamed and hoped. To say that I am excited about marrying her is an understatement.

One reflection I have at this moment: my fears of being "ready" or "mature enough" for marriage seems to have given way to a joyful excitement.

This is not to say that I'm haughtily declaring myself ready or mature. I still feel the weight and urgency of needed growth in every step that I take.

I'm going into marriage with the sense that I'm starting a journey, and not simply arriving at a destination. Marriage, with the right mindset, can be a tool that could bring exponential growth to our lives.

I am receiving her as a gift of grace, and not because I deserve her or not.

I still have much  growth to do, and I'm not planning on resting on my laurels right after getting married. It is my prayer and expectation that God will use my marriage as a tool for growth and maturity. It is also my hope that God will use our marriage for the Kingdom of God.

After getting married on September 12, we will be on our honeymoon for a couple of weeks.

Because of this, I will not be writing on this blog for about a month, and I should be back in October, a married man!

Please pray for me and my fiance as we embark on this new journey and adventure!

Until then.

Reflections on Turning 30

On August 25th, I turned 30 years old.

On my birthday, different people asked me the same question: "do you feel different now that you are 30?" I was surprised that I answered "yes, I do". I always thought I'd answer "nah, I feel the same way than I did yesterday when I was 29."

In reality I felt different. Way different.

A Sudden Mental Shift
The first person to ask me this question was my fiance. When she asked me the this, I became aware of a sudden mental shift. I didn't feel different physically, but mentally I experienced a kairos moment, where the weight of my age suddenly became real.

With this realization came the sense that I really need to step up my game, rely less and less on convenient excuses (even valid ones) and do my best to shape up.

Holy Crap I thought I am 30 years old now, my age is no longer an excuse.

I didn't think myself especially flaky or unreliable, but I always left many areas of growth to the tyranny of the future, making the unconscious (and sometimes not so unconscious) excuse that I was young, and that I will always have time to shape up in the future.

Of course, no one knows how much time the future will grant to us, and even if we do, the future never really comes. Why leave growth for tomorrow when it is only possible today?

My Past and Future Legacy
My mind started to flow with thoughts of what I've done in my past 30 years. These thoughts created a mixed bag of contradicting emotions. At times I felt disillusioned and at others proud.

I seem to be an incurable idealist. As I have shared in past posts, I've always felt called to do great things.

In my idealist mind I feel that I should have accomplished a lot more than I have. I feel a sense of grief for all the days, weeks and years that seemed to easily escape me. I grieve the days where I simply decided to stay comfortable.

It is a terrible feeling to know you will never get back all those precious moments.

My mind also started to flow with thoughts of what I will do in my next 30 years. I have this sense of urgency, a sense that life is shorter than I actually thought, and that in order to accomplish more with my life, I simply needed to stay uncomfortable.

We want to do great things but we seldom want to build the character that this call requires.

What will our Legacy Be?
If you are not 30 yet and you are reading this post, I believe you can still benefit from these reflections.

No matter our age, it is still possible to learn from other's people reflections and experiences. You don't need to wait until you are 30 in order to finally have a sense of clear purpose.

Life is much shorter than what they tell you.

Life is not simply to be enjoyed but to be experienced. We hide many excuses from this mantra of "enjoying life." Can we say that Jesus, our ultimate model, came to earth to enjoy His life? If we can't claim that for Himself how can we claim it for ourselves?

It is certainly good to enjoy life. It is idolatrous to make enjoyment of one's life our main purpose.

We need to move from inspiration to sacrifice, for inspiration is empty unless it is accompanied by the deep sustenance of self denial.

Don't give up your lofty ideals to the merciless cry of reality. Having a reality check is healthy, but more time needs to be spent in conforming your reality to your ideals than the other way around.

And finally, don't ever get tired of asking yourself this question, what legacy will my present actions bring to my future events?